I recently sampled a newly published, highly touted, and widely reviewed fantasy novel, and found that the level of editing was well below par. Weak or improper words, awkward phrasing, redundant clauses, needless repetition, and excessive punctuation all contributed to an overall tone of amateurish writing. Yet I blame the editor – and the lack of proper line by line editing.
So, I took it upon myself, as a professional writer and editor, to re-edit the first paragraph of this commercial piece of fiction properly. Since there are many types of book editing—from developmental to line by line editing, to copyediting and proofreading—I set out to apply the full range in this brief exercise. I also explain why my line by line editing example works better than the original.
Original opening sentence:
The tavern was called the Pathfinder’s Gambit, though its patrons referred to it as “the Armpit,” or simply just “the Pit,” on account of its stale odor and the fact that its interior rarely saw sunlight.
What a disaster! The sentence lacks punch and flow. My revision demonstrates how line by line editing sharpens word choice, improves rhythm, and creates stronger atmosphere right from the start.The word choices are almost clinical, bureaucratic even. And why two nicknames? It’s confusing, superfluous, and likely to be irrelevant later in the story. Also, the nicknames themselves are evocative enough that they hardly require modifiers, particular ones as anemic and awkward as those given. “Tavern” could be “bar” to make the place sound grittier, which I presume is the tone the author is after, although that might not fit within the fantasy lexicon. “Simply” and “just” are synonymous in this context. And several of the commas are unnecessary and/or out of place. Instead, let’s try this on for size:
Instead, let’s try this on for size:
The faded words on the battered sign said the Pathfinder’s Gambit, although the regulars called the miserable tavern the Armpit for its pervasive stench of stale beer and unwashed bodies.
Is this not more effective, more evocative of a nasty setting? And it’s shorter, punchier, cleaner, grittier.
Original second and third sentences:
The Pit had a particular reputation for violence, and tonight had proven no exception. The evening’s current tally stood at three assaults (two stabbings and an attempted strangulation), two brawls, and—so far, at least—just the one death.
Why “particular”? Redundant. Also, repetitive use of tavern name. “Exception” to the “reputation”? I don’t think so. The parenthetical is unnecessary and breaks the flow of the text. The list of crimes is overdone, graceless. And “assaults”? Is this a police report or fantasy noir? Also, “so far, at least” is repetitive in view of the subsequent sentence.
Instead, I give you this:
It was the sort of place that brought out the worst in people, or brought in the worst people. With the sun barely set, the joint had already seen three brawls, two stabbings and one bloody murder.
See what I mean about clean, flowing lines? And noirish…
Original fourth and fifth sentences:
Still, the night was young, the drink was flowing, and half of the card games taking place in the tavern’s smoke-filled common room were rigged. It was only a matter of time before someone else took a blade between the ribs.
Again, we see more commas than are necessary. And again, the first bit is redundant, but the second clause made me laugh out loud; the drink was flowing?! In a tavern?! SAY IT AIN’T SO, JOE! I admit that this is getting pedantic, but I think even the least attentive reader can see how silly this sounds. They will lose faith in the text. And “common room”? Is this a college or a bar? Gambling takes place in a backroom, of course. Plus, there is usually “cheating” at card games, which evokes tension between characters. The house “rigs” games, which is less interesting and offers less potential for sudden violence. Which is it?
And so:
And considering all the cheating going on at the wobbly poker tables in the smoky backroom, it was an easy bet that at least one aggressive card sharp would overplay his hand and get a knife in the gut before the night was through. A card sharp like Lukan Gardova.
So, let us now compare:
Original:
The tavern was called the Pathfinder’s Gambit, though its patrons referred to it as “the Armpit,” or simply just “the Pit,” on account of its stale odor and the fact that its interior rarely saw sunlight. The Pit had a particular reputation for violence, and tonight had proven no exception. The evening’s current tally stood at three assaults (two stabbings and an attempted strangulation), two brawls, and—so far, at least—just the one death. Still, the night was young, the drink was flowing, and half of the card games taking place in the tavern’s smoke-filled common room were rigged. It was only a matter of time before someone else took a blade between the ribs. (116 words)
New and improved:
The faded words on the battered sign said the Pathfinder’s Gambit, although the regulars called the miserable tavern the Armpit for its pervasive stench of stale beer and unwashed bodies. It was the sort of place that brought out the worst in people, or brought in the worst people. With the sun barely set, the joint had already seen three brawls, two stabbings and one bloody murder. And considering all the cheating going on at the wobbly poker tables in the smoky backroom, it was an easy bet that at least one aggressive card sharp would overplay his hand and get a knife in the gut before the night was through. A card sharp like Lukan Gardova. (117 words)
Or…
The bar’s name was the Pathfinder’s Gambit, although the regulars called the miserable hole the Armpit. It was the sort of place that brought out the worst in people, or brought in the worst people. Already by dusk the joint had seen three brawls, two stabbings and one bloody murder. And considering the incessant cheating at the crowded poker tables in the smoky backroom, it was an easy bet that at least one unlucky card sharp would get a knife in the gut before sunrise. A card sharp like Lukan Gardova. (91 words)
The setting, crucially presented to the reader at the outset of the novel, is now more evocative, gritter, emotional, and—which is no less important—shorter. It packs a greater punch, IMO. And I won’t get into why the MC or the “hook” is not in the original first paragraph. Of course, I understand the importance of maintaining the author’s voice, but when the voice doesn’t sound as strong or self-assured as it should, when its tone is shaky, something must be done. This simple line by line editing exercise shows just how much clarity and tone can improve with intentional revision.
Of course, line by line editing improvements are just one part of the process. If you’re working on professional materials rather than fiction, this article explains how business editing differs from copyediting and why each approach matters depending on context.
